Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia was another raw meeting with reality.
The reality I am talking about is the experience of being alive while being in a state of complete vulnerability and having to stay open, as to survive.
Kuala Lumpur was another mental, emotional and physical immersion into my Being.
A state of being alert, on guard, feeling and actually being unsafe, being surrounded by untrustworthy people. An experience similar to all those others I had but even more raw than that. In the sense that, I was in a situation when I was completely on my own.
Whenever asked, I will never stop talking about the emotional reality someone has in a role like I had.
Yes , I did want to see the world and accepted to play the role of a model in order to be able to do that.
Yes, I did get away from that which made me feel a stranger on Earth, to see if maybe I also have a chance to feel accepted and loved for who I am, to see if other people in the world are living and feeling the same , but I unconsciously said yes to everything which comes with the privilege of choice- the whole, the entire responsibility for yourself.
That is the lesson I learned from Kuala Lumpur.
My life is my complete responsibility.
The experiences I learn while being alive, meeting people and interacting with them at different levels and the outcomes of that are all my responsibility. There is nobody in this world who needs to give me anything. Only those who actually feel to do so and choose to do so, will. Otherwise, there is nothing and nobody in the world who should care about the state of my spirit, heart and mind than myself.
This is a terrible lesson for those who are not ready for it. And an incredible one for those who are.
By choice I leave the details of my daily life out, those do not matter now. What matters is their meaning. During the days I was working, I would be doing something like this :
As a physical place on Earth, Kuala Lumpur is incredibly colored, hot, culturally diverse, religiously socking in a sea of ideas and convictions.
A place which for me, an outside by birth and by culture, was inaccessible.
I spent days and day walking the streets, sitting in temples the meaning of which I did not know. But I felt safe there.
The incense, the voices whispering prayers, the beautiful shapes of faces in prayer to their Gods, the coming and going, the doors to Heaven always open, the light falling darker and darker outside - that was my Heaven.
Kuala Lumpur, in its cultural strangeness, tropical beauty and wideness forced me to become the ground I am stepping on, the arms holding myself while crying into sleep, the voice encouraging me to make another step, another step towards the light and consciously ignore everything which was not contributing to my survival and wellbeing.
You might not understand the state I am trying to express here.
It is a vacuum kind of stat which I must have created to protect myself from a too wide, too different, too strange kind of world.
While living safely in a safe home, safe town, surrounded by people you trust and you can ask for help, when tomorrow sounds like another great day to be alive, instead of another day to struggle and think about ways to survive - we are not aware of life's rawness. How dangerous and how unpredictable it is in reality. But life has its ways to show us, simple human beings, who’s the boss.
Life will not let you live unless you give yourself to Life entirely.