Strong vs. Poor Boundaries


When I was growing up we did not get any education on this matter.


We simply did not talk about any of this. Just like we would get a bunch of used school books at the beginning of a new school year- the kids who were friends of friends of friends got the newer ones- just like that we inherited a set of behaviors and expected reactions. It did matter where you came from who your father and mother was.

If the teacher was yelling and even beating a child, that was “normal”. If a certain boy or girl was again in trouble or causing it - that was the norm, he/she was not a good boy or girl anyway and would not make it far in life.


We were supposed to act in accordance with those rules, in school and later in life.


As soon as I left home, soon after finishing high school, I found myself thrown into the whirlpool of life having very little knowledge or any tools to make my way. I had not base but I felt I had to get away.

I do believe that a child needs parents before having God, which was my guidance all along but pretty far away and abstract when real life hits in.




Poor personal boundaries


Trusting nobody and trusting all at the same time

Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries

Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries

Talking at a very intimate level at the very first meeting

Saying Yes while hoping that the other person will refuse

Being overwhelmed by a person - being preoccupied by that person’s problems

Acting on the first sexual impulse

Being sexual for someone, not for yourself also

Going against personal values or rights to please someone

Falling in love with a person who is contacting you

Falling in love with a completely new acquaintance

Touching a person without asking

Letting others define you

Letting others direct your reality

Letting others describe your reality

Believing others can anticipate and know your needs

Expecting others to fulfill your needs automatically

Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you

Falling apart hoping someone will take care of you

Sexual and physical abuse

Food abuse

Spending money one does not have

...


Strong and healthy boundaries


Appropriate trust

Moving step by step into intimacy

Staying focused on your own growth and recovery

Maintaining personal values no matter what others want

Noticing when someone is invading your boundaries

Saying No when you don’t need or don’t want something

Deciding if a potential relationship would be good for you

Weighing the consequences before acting on sexual impulses

Noticing when someone is displaying inappropriate boundaries

Being sexual when you want to be

Asking a person before touching them

Trusting your own decisions

Defining your truth as you see it

Knowing who you are and what you want

Becoming your own loving parent

Talking to yourself with love, care, humor and respect

Respect for others

Not giving too much hoping someone will like you

Not allowing someone to take advantage of your generosity

Recognizing that family and friends are not mind readers

Having a healthy and realistic view on the financial situation

...



Family, friends, work colleagues, acquaintances and people on the street should adhere to their own personal boundaries and respect those of others.


Practical examples?


Grown men (over 30) and women would not be producing babies without knowing what to do with them afterwards, remaining bound for life into situations that are not

Grown men (over 30) would not be searching for the next thrill in a sexual relationship with several women, each living under the impression that they are unique and chosen

Grown men would have the language and the mental force to discern and say No

Grown women would not become serves

Mothers and fathers would would not have to hide themselves from their children, because they would all be on the same page

Women would not become victims nor tyrants

Men would not become victims nor tyrants

etc.

I believe that by teaching children about healthy and strong boundaries, just like we teach them English or Math, giving them the language to express themselves- this the only way to create a healthier community made out of men who know how to mange their own emotions and mental processes, women who know their priorities and have a healthy, loving, inclusive view on the world.