I have three face masks in my bag. One on my face.
At all costs I so want to avoid hundred of eyes piercing me again. All those masked faces hating the liberty I (accidentally) took, when I forgot the mask at home. That en mass solidarity which made me suspicious always - there must be something wrong when everybody does the same thing, thinks the same, goes the same way - is scary.
That glimpse of group hate reminded me of being a stranger, alone and not good enough again. These are all feelings I have felt before and worked hard to take myself out of.
So I made sure that there are several masks with me, at all times during this year, the year when a break in consciousness happened.
So, I am walking and counting the blessings a virus brought up and kind of pushed me into. This year I :
-said goodbye to all f**** fake friends who have been so damaging to me
-got off the classic social media sites - a better rendition of a fake friend than an artificial platform can not exist. I only resisted there for a couple of months, as long as I kept clinging to those imaginary, toxic friendships
-started reading books again, after that break when I had to relearn myself again - fake friends and abusive connections took their toll on me
-walked forever around the city and discovered new places
-concentrated and started to work in concentrated slots
-worked from home for the most part and so had the time to create a better relationship with myself again
-discovered a couple of good songs and podcasts
-got a new routine that makes possible to train both my mind and body during the day
-rediscovered the pleasure of eating and cooking
-paid all my bills and stuck to my savings account
-rediscovered the pleasure of drinking tea and coffee, home brewed
-rediscovered my natural and innate power to transform my life and myself
-started to write again in a journal, the notebook does have to be beautiful :)
-got myself some earholes and earrings - used to have those as a model, but only for a catalog shooting when the earlobes started bleeding because of the freshness of the holes and many changes
-rediscovering my femininity and getting to see myself as a woman again, not only as a solder at war
-started imagining again and dreaming about everything that is possible. The power of imagination is interrelated with the power of being centered and yourself
-becoming a better version of myself professionally again - I do what I say, am there on time, I listen and strive for good results
-rediscovering the power of words, language and how the words shape our mind > the way we process facts and events > the way we see what we see > life.
-through reading I discovered so many characters and they all reminded me of what life is: self discovery, in relation to the old selves and everybody around
- worked intensely on my boundaries and learned to speak them out clearly. If a person able to hear does not get what I am saying and tries to push through - that person needs to leave
- bought very little things and have done periodical sorting through the year. This is a tradition and one of the healthies habits I have. In my home now I only have what I need or like. Even the books that I've read, which normally I would have kept for the sake of it, I gave them away for more and better to come !
The journey within continues...